It is quiet in my house right now. Both the little guy and the big guy are resting. No one slept much last night. I was so tired today that I couldn’t even think straight. The boyfriend let me take a nap while he played video games with the little one. In the past, I would never be able to do that. It is nice to have support from a man who is always kind and gentle and loving.
I met the boyfriend a long, long time ago. Long as in when I was in high school, which is longer than I care to admit. One of my friends had me over to her end of the summer party freshman year. It was early afternoon and they wanted to play poker, which I didn’t know how to do, so I sat on her couch instead. Word around the group was that one of the guys wanted to ask me out. I didn’t know him well, but he seemed nice. As I sat on the couch, another small boy squeezed onto the couch next to me. He put his feet under my couch cushion, because there was literally no room. He was a tiny guy, only a little taller than me (and I’m five feet). He had blonde hair, really blue eyes, and glasses. We started talking and basically became friends. I did date the other boy for a few months that summer. Our dates consisted of movies and hand holding and talking on the phone. When he broke up with me, I wasn’t heart broken, and we remain friends to this day. The other little boy, grew substantially over the summer. When we came back for sophomore year, we started to become good friends. And we were friends for a long time. Until one day, we decided to date. And we dated for a long time…. at least in high school standards….. about two and a half years. He was kind and good, and we were best friends, but I was broken beyond repair from circumstances way before. We ended our relationship when I was a freshman in college. I worked on myself. I read self help books, and went to years of therapy and I tried to heal old wounds. The one gaping wound that was constantly getting poked and causing me pain was the one left by my marriage. But now my marriage is over, we found each other again. This time we are both older, and not eighteen anymore. We have lived more life, and know what we want. He is still kind, and patient, and good. All of what I desperately need in my life. I need someone who lifts me up and supports me emotionally.
A lot of people do not understand how I can be in a new relationship so quickly. My family disowned me because of my divorce.I was lonely. I needed friends and people to lean on. But the truth is, the last five years of my marriage, I was unhappy. I worked on it, and tried, and went to counseling, learned how to say what I needed, but one person can not hold an entire marriage together by sheer will. The Hulk couldn’t have even held it together. I stood for many reasons. And I thought me loving him was enough. But once I knew it wasn’t, I knew I had done all I could.
This new relationship developed over time, but I have to say, I am happy about it. It feels wonderful to be with someone who knows all your history. And to have someone speak to you as an equal. A person who doesn’t criticize your every action and is patient with both you and your kid. Who loves to spend time with both of us. When differences of opinions arise, which naturally happens, there is mutual respect and communication used to work through it. I don’t have it all together. Most of the times, I feel like I have nothing figured out. But knowing that I have a few kind, wonderful, amazing people in my life is enough for me.