Divorce · Life

On getting there

It is late on a Saturday night. Everyone in the house is resting. Except me. Which is never a big surprise .I can never ever sleep. Today we went swimming and while we were there I saw a man, sitting completely alone. He was watching everyone, just sitting on a bench. I recognize the bits of myself in him. Sometimes, it is easy to recognize broken, especially when you are too.One of the things that never sat right with me involving the ex was his lack of understanding this. Most likely, among other things, our brokenness did not match up, or maybe it did and it caused an implosion of our relationship. I don’t know. Frankly, I’m tired of thinking of it.

One time, I sat in therapy and my therapist said I looked exhausted. It was early on, when I just started going. I told her, I was. I was tired of feeling everyone’s feelings around me. I knew the moment I said it that I probably sounded bat shit crazy. Instead she nodded and said, “Yes, you have unhealthy boundaries, that is why you take on everyone’s stuff. As a child you had to be extremely in tune to others emotions. You need to learn to put up walls. We can work on it, or else everyone is going to steal your energy, even when they don’t deserve your time.”

I imagined a cartoon version of myself, twenty pounds lighter of course because it’s my imagination, with strings going to everyone I had a relationship with. Everyone that told me their problems, their confessions, their secrets. Some would return some of the energy back, and our relationships were more balanced. Others were like vampires….. taking and taking, but never giving anything back. I gave out my energy without a second thought, and only later would realize that there was none left for me. I didn’t think I deserved it. I thought it was selfish to require reciprocation. When I looked at my relationships, two of my closest ones were the most draining. I poured love and sympathy and understanding out, but I got judgement and uncertainty back. These two people were very much the same, but even in recognizing their sameness, I desperately wanted them to love me. Honestly, even now, I struggle with these relationships being over. I probably always will. But I know that I have to try. I can not let them continue to drain me while there are people around me that fill me with love and happiness. I’m not completely there yet. The letting go is difficult, but I’ll get there. It is just a matter of time.

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