I ate Grape-nuts for dinner again. Logan had leftovers. We did cucumber peel off face masks. We ran through the sprinkler. We laughed and hooted and hollered. We hung around in pjs after showers and he played Minecraft. I texted with a friend who is going to put her fourteen year old cat to sleep tomorrow. I was supportive and will miss that sweet old boy. I pet and loved on my pets. It all seems so normal.
But I feel sad. I know it is probably because of my friend. Unhealthy boundaries and all. Or maybe it’s because my dad isn’t my facebook friend, or the fact that everyone I know, including me, is friends with the ex’s family, who used to be my family. People I loved and laughed with for thirteen years, or even longer, and now they don’t belong to me anymore.
Last year both of my ex’s parents died. They were fantastic people. Helpful and funny and doted on Logan like crazy. When we were broke, his dad took me shopping for food and filled up my gas tank. His mom would invite me over every night when Logan was a baby and the ex wasn’t home. I was there the day that his dad died. I visited in the hospital. He held my hand and asked me to take care of my ex-husband. I promised I would. It was a promise I didn’t keep, and it is one that haunts me. By the time his mom passed she no longer knew who I was and we were already separated. He insisted that I was not to go to the funeral. I miss them. I think about them all the time, but I feel like because I left their son, it is not my place to grieve. So I sit quietly while I listen to Logan chatter on about school. I eat my Grape-nuts. I think about my friend’s cat who is headed out of this life. I think of a cold day standing in a cemetery. I think of the day I wasn’t allowed to.