I’ve gotten so used to posting that when I don’t it feels like something is missing. But honestly, that cold I had is still lingering and it is kicking my butt. I slept for most of the day today…. and yesterday, and the day before. Now I can’t sleep, which only makes sense since its night time and the perfect time to rest. Logan and the boyfriend are both in the bedroom sound asleep. Logan on his little makeshift bed on the floor that he frequents most nights and the boyfriend entwined in our comforter.
As tired as I am, I can’t stop the thinking. I lay down and my thought are racing and my nose is running and I get frustrated and sneak out of the room. Logan wants to take art classes and gymnastics. The ex and I are supposed to split these payments. Instead, the ex hasn’t paid regular child support in over a month and is on his way to go on a cruise for the next week and a half with his girlfriend and her daughter. I have a car payment and court to figure out the house situation that he left me in, and whenever I ask him about money he tells me he is glad that I can add and that he has bills.
I have bills too. Mountains and mountains that weren’t being paid and I had no idea. The divorce decree states that we are supposed to split them. But there has been no splitting. It has been me, calling and negotiating payment plans, whittling away at a giant mountain that was left for me, because I just stupidly blindly trusted him.
When I called it quits, there were errors on both parts. Words, actions, meanness that couldn’t be taken back. BUT….. the electricity had been shut off three times. Money was disappearing, I was forever and ever alone, raising our kid, and despite my pleading I wasn’t being recognized or respected and he refused to seek help for what he needed to work on either separately or together. I told him that things were done, and he went to my parents and blamed me for the financial hole because I stood home with my child….which we had both agreed on. I felt betrayed that all this time he felt this way and never said anything. Nor did he recognize the amount of work that a stay at home mom was, or the sacrifice that I made to my career so I could be the one that was with our amazing, wonderful little boy. I wouldn’t have given up that time for anything. I cherished it. I did not appreciate that suddenly numerous people repeated his view, diminishing what I had done the last five years. Suddenly, everything I did came into play. The fact that I was raised in an abusive home, even though I have never ever once been that way to my child. The fact that the little one was gender non-conforming, and the implication that I made him that way because obviously I wanted a girl, neither of which is true. I think about these things and I can’t sleep.
Anger and resentment claw at my stomach and I toss and turn for hours.
But I draw a line in the sand today. Those who side with him, those who did not support me, or made things even more difficult, they can no longer cross. My side does not have room for people like that. It is a painful and eye opening reality. I always wanted to please everyone, and I spent my entire childhood and adulthood trying to do just that. I played peacemaker, I danced when I needed and jumped through each hoop, even when I would rather be doing anything else. The moment that I stood up for myself, a chasm formed. People took notice. It did not sit well with them. I took those hoops and threw them away. I might be struggling financially, I may have lost over and over again, but I gained something valuable. My freedom and myself.