I need to up my medication. Or change it. Or get a new brain where I am not anxious or depressed. I’m pretty good at pushing through when I have to. I am on my game. All smiles and encouragement and “way to go bud” at work. I laugh in the lunch room and tell silly stories. I kiss and hug my kid and my guy and my pets and inside I am crumbling. I am sad. So so so sad that sometimes I feel like I will never be happy again. I know it is just the depression talking, and it is not true. It is not me. But……. I lack energy to do anything outside of the show I put on every day. Acting is exhausting.
When I go to my therapist appointments she always ask the same types of questions. I tell them I am very depressed but I am functioning and doing day to day things. No, I never feel like ending it all. As a matter of fact, that is the opposite of my problem. I obsess over, am terrified of things ending.
I know part of it is guilt. The fact that I ended a relationship, forever hurt people I cared about. That I sprung it on everyone without any indication for the most part.I feel bad that hardly anyone supported me. That maybe I did the wrong thing because even though I was unhappy for years, everyone else seems to think I should have done something else. I am constantly worried about the future and money and that for once I just wish someone would refuses to would understand. Part of it is that I am unhappy with my body, and I know that the physical does not define your worth, but deep inside, there is a sense of worthlessness, fit body or not. It is a lot of things, but running through the list makes me sad and more miserable. My therapist said my sadness masks my anger. She is probably right. I rarely, if ever, get angry. Like ever…..I know tomorrow is a new day. I will wake up and hope for a better one. Tonight is not that day though. Tonight I feel like I am falling and I don’t know when it will stop.