Divorce · Life

Falling

I need to up my medication. Or change it. Or get a new brain where I am not anxious or depressed. I’m pretty good at pushing through when I have to. I am on my game. All smiles and encouragement and “way to go bud” at work. I laugh in the lunch room and tell silly stories. I kiss and hug my kid and my guy and my pets and inside I am crumbling. I am sad. So so so sad that sometimes I feel like I will never be happy again. I know it is just the depression talking, and it is not true. It is not me. But……. I lack energy to do anything outside of the show I put on every day. Acting is exhausting.

When I go to my therapist appointments she always ask the same types of questions. I tell them I am very depressed but I am functioning and doing day to day things. No, I never feel like ending it all. As a matter of fact, that is the opposite of my problem. I obsess over, am terrified of things ending.

I know part of it is guilt. The fact that I ended a relationship, forever hurt people I cared about. That I sprung it on everyone without any indication for the most part.I feel bad that hardly anyone supported me. That maybe I did the wrong thing because even though I was unhappy for years, everyone else seems to think I should have done something else.  I am constantly worried about the future and money and that for once I just wish someone would refuses to would understand. Part of it is that I am unhappy with my body, and I know that the physical does not define your worth, but deep inside, there is a sense of worthlessness, fit body or not. It is a lot of things, but running through the list makes me sad and more miserable. My therapist said my sadness masks my anger. She is probably right. I rarely, if ever, get angry. Like ever…..I know tomorrow is a new day. I will wake up and hope for a better one. Tonight is not that day though. Tonight I feel like I am falling and I don’t know when it will stop.

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5 thoughts on “Falling

  1. staying masked is so so damn hard. my heart goes out to you Justine! There is hope, no matter how long it takes. Just don’t give up, hang in there! I am here for you if you ever need me. You are a strong woman, you have weathered some pretty hard storms, testament of your inner fortitude.
    About letting people down, the truth is that you only have one life to live, and you cannot live it pleasing people. You weren’t happy in your previous relationship, you cannot stay in there because you are afraid you will hurt people. You made a bold move, you, him and Logan are amazing people!

    Like

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