Divorce · Family · Life

Letting go of one dream for another

By the time that Lo was three, I was ready for another baby. Maybe even before that. The husband said he was on board too… but when it came to actually trying….. well it was just words. I desperately have wanted a baby since Logan turned three and he turned seven on November eighth. From the time that we decided yes to the time we separated, I wanted a baby. It was all I could think about. My friends would announce that they were expecting and I would be happy for them, but then when I was alone, I would weep. I wanted Logan to have a sibling. If I had had my way, he would have had a few of them by now. I adore children, I adore being a mom. But the ex, although he said he was on board, was not on board. He proved it by his actions, and never being around.

It especially became clear when I found out what contempt he had for me when we got divorced because I had stayed home to raise my baby. I wish I had known before. I wasted a few child bearing years on a lie. That was one of the hardest things to accept. I kind of always knew but was in denial. I watched as everyone else had siblings for their child and I wished and wished, but it never happened.

It was a dream I had to let go of. The perfect happy family with the gaggle of kids. The involved father who loved and doted on their children. It was hard to shake. But I did.

I had to trade in that dream for another. I have always just wanted a family. One that was different than mine growing up. Supportive and loving and people that enjoyed being around each other. That is my dream now. I hope it is a realized one. I think it is. And as for babies…. I guess we will see.

NaNoBlogPoMo

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