Today is day fifteen of NaBloPoMo. My insights for this month has lots of little blue boxes because I have blogged every day. It feels good to follow through on something when my largest commitment as of late is to finish a Netflix series I love as quickly as possible. Normally today I write my meal plan for the week. Look for that tomorrow. Today I am sharing with you. A few years ago, for my resolution for the new year, I wanted to attempt something new every week. It was the reason I started therapy and that was the longest lasting new thing. As a new year approaches, I kind of am starting already to take stock in my life and the things that I want to do. This past year and a half has been me just struggling to survive. I haven’t been living, and joy has not been something I see often. The last time I went to my therapist she said I was grieving. I haven’t gone back, because I’m flaky like that. Well, actually, I haven’t had time since I have been working so much. But I have thought about it. I think she is correct.
My grief comes from loss. The loss of relationships, dreams, family members, people I loved. The list is long and in my darkest times I think about it. Last night, I was shaking and sobbing. It came on suddenly, this overwhelming sense of what is gone. I can not move on in those times. But I have to try to move on. The people that cut me from their lives did not do so because they had not choice. They did, and even though I played a part, I can not punish myself every day. I want to find joy again. To live in the moment, and not constantly be thinking of what wrongs I did or the loss I have endured. If they refuse to offer forgiveness, I must accept it and move on. So with the new year approaching I think I am going to make my goal to find joy and what makes me happy. To discover who I actually am without being afraid for the first time in my life of being judged. Who knows what I can become? The options are limitless.