A rambling vent

I got a message from a friend that has distanced herself from me during this past year. Honestly, I haven’t been the greatest friend, because I could barely handle what was going on. Her and her fiance separated and now share custody of her kids. In her message, she said that her and her ex were moving to a better space in co-parenting. I felt happy for her and her kids, but it also made me sad.

It is not possible for me. I want it to be, so much so, but I feel like my ex-husband and his new girlfriend make it impossible. My kiddo just turned seven, and he has been leaving him all day and sometimes at night with his girlfriend’s daughter who just turned eleven. It isn’t acceptable for me or safe. They have to “go to the gas station together” or shopping. I don’t know why they have to go together. Or why the one day a week he has him that he can’t spend time with him or keep him safe. I literally am so concerned about L’s safety that the time away he has with his dad, when he takes him, is so anxiety causing for me that I can’t sleep and I worry.

I tried to tell them that I didn’t think this was safe. Then the night when I picked Logan up, I heard his girlfriend saying stuff about me. I wouldn’t care, honestly, I just choose to ignore the meanness, but she was saying stuff in front of my kid. And when we walked away she OPENED the window and started yelling loudly to the others in the house that I was talking crap about HER daughter and I was trying to keep my son from his dad.  Honestly….. I was not thrilled. It’s not how I roll. I don’t engage with this sort of behavior. I don’t talk poorly EVER about any of them to or in front of my child. The next time I dropped him off and picked him up, I asked how his overnight was. I asked if he had been left alone and he said, “Mommy… I don’t want to talk about this. I just don’t remember.” He kept saying he didn’t remember and this kid remembers EVERYTHING. I think they are honestly trying to tell him to keep things or lie to me. I personally feel that children should never be encouraged to lie to anyone. I am a firm believer in not even having secrets. I purposely call presents and what not surprises and never ask him to keep a secret.

I don’t know what to do. I ask them to follow simple safety precautions and they refuse to do so. I don’t know if they are just trying to spite me, but every time I say something I get a text back saying, “I’m his father. Don’t act like I don’t know what to do.” Which is not even him texting, because the occasional messages I do get often uses smh or lol and stuff like that, and that’s not him. I can’t call him because he continues to have my phone number blocked and there is no communication. He isn’t paying support he is supposed to, but on the rare occasion he does, he says he shouldn’t be giving me money. I always fall back into the old role. When he bullies me, I just give up or give in or take it.

I feel helpless, and sad for my son. Sometimes I wish I had stood in my unhappy marriage just so I wouldn’t be dealing with this. I wish I had sacrificed my own personal happiness and endured the ridicule and belittlement. I had become so numb to it, that I barely felt anything besides sadness and constant anxiety anyway. I don’t know. I am trying, but I feel like it is not good enough.

I know wishing things were different is pointless. I have to deal with the situation at hand. And I am starting to take steps to change the situation. I just hope that it works.