Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 33. I always thought my life would be different at thirty three. I thought I would have it together. I would have a bunch of kids, me and the ex would be married and living in this house fixing it up little by little. Maybe I would be pregnant again. Probably. I’d feel like an adult. I might even be saving for retirement and have a financial portfolio. You know….. adult things.
Instead, today I am headed to court for another meeting on trying to save this house. To save it for my kid, who has had a lot of disruption these past two years. I am terrified I have scarred him for life with the divorce and the trauma and he will never be the same. So, I am fighting. Trying my hardest to keep a house that is full of memories that make me happy and sad at the same time.
I didn’t think this would be my life. That my life would be divorced and estranged from my family. I am a single mama to one amazing kid, working hard to get back into my career and slowly cleaning up the pieces of the mess that was left behind. Slowly paying down bills and past debts and trying so hard to just take things one day at a time, so I don’t get overwhelmed and give up all together.
I never realized how money is always on your mind when you simply don’t have enough of it. How tirelessly working to bring in lots of avenues of income is exhausting and sometimes you feel defeated. But tomorrow is a new year in my life. I don’t know what it will hold for me. I don’t know where I will be, if this trying to save the house will work. I pray that it does. I am scared, but I guess most people fear the unknown. So one day at a time. And today I am thirty-two and I will never be as young as this ever again.