Divorce · Life

Divorce and Loss of Friendships

I lost a lot of friends when I got divorced. I had some that were supportive, but others mostly married or committed friends, distanced themselves from me. In some situations it was my fault. I was so depressed that I simply was focusing on all my energy on existing, on helping my little family survive and I didn’t return phone calls or reach out to others. Honestly, even when I wanted to, I just simply didn’t have the energy after day to day living.

I was ashamed of being broke. I never before couldn’t go on play dates or outings. In the past, I made sure we had money for those. But now, it wasn’t just the price of the entry fee to whatever event, but factoring in the cost of gas to get there. It was simple, gas + monthly bills= not enough. So I would make an excuse. They eventually stopped asking.

Others who I had considered very close friends suddenly disappeared out of my life. These are the losses that smarted. Sometimes I would misspeak, or there was a misunderstanding. Other times, there was just a lack of support. Others did not support my decisions. The phone gradually stopped ringing.

What bothered me the most was that a lot of my friends had been mommy friends. Married friends with children my son’s age. We would get together. There would be play dates and birthday parties and general fun. My ex would blow off the parties my kid was supposed to attend, or not show up until hours after I had made plans and it caused strain on things. My kid missed his friends. That part was the worst. I had dealt with the loss of my family, my friends, and the imaginary way that my life was supposed to be. My little one could not understand it though. I make excuses about how busy everyone is. He started school and made new friends, and they are lovely wonderful friends, but it isn’t the same as it was.

I have learned to let go a lot. The friendships I had made I thought were my tribe of people. Maybe I was mistaken. Maybe the change was too great. But I need to let go of the sadness surrounding it. I will forge ahead, like I always do. Reach out to new people, make new friends, and be happy. And I will never ever forget those who stood beside me when times got tough. For them, I am grateful to the very bottom of my heart. Without them, I don’t know if I actually would have survived this last year. People often show you who they are when times get tough. They show you their true colors, or that your friendship wasn’t what you imagined it to be. Some stand by you, contact you,, never give up on you even when you have given up on yourself, and for that they have made a life long friend in me.

xo, Justine

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5 thoughts on “Divorce and Loss of Friendships

  1. I’ve been in exactly the same boat. And it’s very very sad. Funny you posted about this, I was just thinking about it last night. For me, most of it was my choice. I was going through a very rough time, I didn’t have the energy. They didn’t understand. I guess nobody will unless they’re in our shoes. And even though I do miss those friends that I used to have, I’ve made one or two that are just amazing and extremely supportive. Although they haven’t gone through a divorce, but they give me the time I need to be by myself, yet they’re also there to listen…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have kind of also given myself time to turn inward.I feel hesitant in some ways to reach out to people because i was so badly burned. I really do feel like a lot of people do not understand what a loss divorce is if they haven’t been through it. I have a few true blue friends that would stand by me through everything.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow Justine! Reading this was like seeing my life through your words. I know the exact feeling of what you went through because I went through it too. It is just absolutely difficult to focus on so many things going on at the same time, how from one day to the next you have a completely new life full of worries, mistrust, sadness, anger…but the worst ia trying to move on with our kids not noticing that life had changed. In my case I lost everything literally or I should say, everything was taken away from me. I gave 100% in my marriage both emotionally and economically just to find out one day I had nothing. Everything was stolen and taken away from the person I least expected, the father of my children. I know the feeling of people judging, friends walking away, people from my children’s school who just treated me differently because now I was alone with my children. They treated them differently too as if it was unacceptable that the size of my family had changed and that Us 3 could not participate in activities if we did not have the perfect family with a mom and a dad. It is just horrible. I know the feeling of not wanting to get up, of making up excuses not to go someplace just because I could not afford it. But the worst is how my kids life had to adapt to a new situation, a life of struggle and worries, a life of sadness. All I can aay to you is that we took it one day at a time and we survived. The 3 of us, we are stronger and invincible. I learned that I had to be strong for them, I had to show them security, I had to make them feel safe and happy. It was up to me and me alone. And I did it. I love this quote by Bob Marley…You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice. I proved it true and I know so do you. My blessings to you and your child. The sun will always rise every morning no matter what. 🙂

    Michelle

    Liked by 1 person

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