“Let your heart not be broken.” ~The Band Perry
The past few days have been difficult. I wish I could say I was okay, but I fell apart after the incident. There was anger that I was not familiar with. It is still there, and it feels bad. I don’t really know a lot of people in my same situation. I don’t have a strong support system. My little family is my world. To use my love for them against me, was not something I would ever imagine happening.
Yet it is. Until there is action, I have to continue on. Letting my child go with his father, who suddenly wants to spend time with him and then withholds him from me the whole weekend. It makes me feel broken. I turned into a huge grouch, and snapped all day at the one person who is always nice to me. Like always-always, even when we disagree.
It makes me question my path. Emotionally and occasionally physically abused, living with someone who I constantly could not please and was always angry….. should I have continued? That way I wouldn’t have lost everything. My family, my friends, my finances and credit, but most of all time with my child.
I would have been unhappy. I was so so so unhappy. My anxiety was in a constant elevated state, irrational thought after irrational thought, flying through my head. Being scared of doing the wrong thing, or leaving a dish in the sink, or upsetting him by calling him while he was working if I had a question. I think of my first mother’s day where I received nothing which wouldn’t have mattered if it had been a nice day. What mattered was being called the c-word when we argued on the car in the way to my Nana’s house. Happy Mother’s day to me.
I think of the time when the little was just a baby and colicky and the ex had to go into work early. I hadn’t slept in three months or had a break. I was tired and overwhelmed and would have given my last piece of chocolate for a shower and ten minutes of peace. Instead of working, he lied and got drunk and hung out with his friends and girls all night. I didn’t find out until months later when I accidentally saw a picture on facebook.
I think of all the holiday and special occasions me and the mini celebrated alone. And the times we celebrated together. Where tables were flipped and fish tanks lay shattered on the floor and the little one screamed in terror.
I still live in a house with holes in the walls from fists or phones or remote controls. I could go on and on forever. I kept it all a secret under the guise of marriage being forever. Marriage is your personal thing, you don’t share your hard times with others.
There would good times too. But anyone can get along with someone sometimes. I felt unloved, not respected, and like all the fun and joy had been sucked out of me.
“Where are we going, I don’t know…. but still I got to go.” -The Band Perry
For me to question if I should have stayed, may seem like madness. It is. It isn’t. For my whole life, violence and love together is pretty much all I have ever known. I did not feel strong. I knew I was done, but I knew I couldn’t do it alone. So I didn’t. But I left. The fact that my life is still fluid and deciding where it will be, that is not a bad thing. I can’t let little set backs, little acts of ugliness make me question it. If I question it, I forget to be grateful for all I established this past year.
True friends who I can call or text any time of night or day with absolute craziness or to talk about Orange is the New Black, and they never judge or act like I’m a bother.
A job that I love. I haven’t worked with children since Logan was a baby, but it brings me such happiness and joy.
A kid who is the biggest, best part of my life. He is the reason for everything. Why I don’t regret. He teaches me everyday it is okay to be myself. It is good to be unique and kind, and love completely.
And a fellow that is the kindest, most giving person I know. He is truly loving and supporting, and shows me what being loved is supposed to feel like. I laugh and get kissed and hugged and feel happy.
This is what I would have given up if I had stayed. Yes, it is difficult right now, but living in unhappiness and fear is far more tough. I’m forging a new life, and learning how to find happiness. I won’t always be successful, but I will always know that I learned to be strong and my very own person because of this. No matter where it goes, I will not let myself be broken.