My daffodils are blooming. It promised to be an early spring. But tonight we are getting a snow storm. Four to eight inches of snow on top of all that new beauty and promise. Covering it, but hopefully not destroying it. I feel like that is my life lately. Most of the time on this little ole blog of mine, I try to spread happiness, hope, and light. It is what I have chosen to focus on when everything fell apart. So I try and try and try. Sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I succeed. Right now, at 10:53 at night, I am failing.
There is a lot that I am worried about. Even the sleeping medication the doctor prescribed me isn’t working. It makes me slow and dizzy….. maybe a bit loopy, but doesn’t make me want to curl up in bed and sleep. So I’m going to pour all my thoughts here and maybe then my brain will give in a bit and finally let me get some rest.
My ex hasn’t paid child support since November. He has paid for a cruise, two new cars, a purebred dog, an electric fence, a trip to New York, jewelry, and many other things for his girlfriend and her child. When I asked him countless times about it to try to get some sort of plan together, he kept putting it off saying he would. I’m still waiting on that part. Instead last month, he quit his well paying job because he wanted to start working under the table. I told him that I needed the money for things for the kiddo. Instead he suddenly took an interest in the kiddo and stopped mostly blowing him off. He tried to get extra time and he started buying him things for his house. Which is great since he needs things there too. Initially the three bedroom house they rented didn’t allow for him to have a room because the third bedroom was the girlfriend’s closet. Ok…. so the fact that he is getting him materialistic things is okay but it should be in addition to the support order. I have the kiddo almost all of the time, but until he decided that he was going to take him to try to prove he was involved, I had him even on the days when he should. I called him telling him that I needed money for something or other and he said I didn’t deserve it. I told him it wasn’t about me but his girlfriend yelled through the phone, “Oh well!!!! Take us to court!” He thinks it I am “lazy and he shouldn’t have to pay.” So once I got the new beater car registered, (after he stole my plates and cancelled my valid registration on my other car which is financed and can not be solely registered under me), I went to court and filed him in contempt for holding L for many extra hours one school night until I could find a misplaced social security card, and for not paying child support.
Obviously he was mad, so once he was served he was all, “What is this about?” I told him that I had given him four months to straighten things out, but he refused to pay me and kept lying to me. I guess he was miffed, so he went to court and filled a modification for support (none) and for custody. It is really hard for me, because he was never involved. Even when we were married, I had to beg and plead for him to interact with his own child. It was always just me and L together. He said that it was because he had to work all the time, but that was not true. He had been lying about money, spending it secretly, and also he used work as an excuse not to be around. His girlfriend is the one pushing for this. She shouldn’t be involved. They are just looking for a way not to have to pay anything to help me support Logan. I have been trying my damnedest to do it on my own independent of him, and it is difficult. He sometimes mocks me about not being able to pay all my bills, which he doesn’t actually know is true because I simply don’t have enough to go around some months.
On top of all of this, I have been working with the court system and the bank to try to save the house that he secretly let go into foreclosure before divorce was even a thought. I am almost there, but now the bank wants me to get a paper signed by him so he would no longer be financially responsible for the house. I am doing ALL of this because I want L to stay in the same school and because he loves this house. He has had a lot of disruption and upset and I don’t want to add to it. But when I asked the ex, he refuses. After all this work I have done to cut down on bills and get things in order in hopes that I wouldn’t have to devastate my kid more he says no. “You don’t deserve the house. You deserve to suffer and struggle like I did.” I told him it would get a foreclosure off of his credit and L would be really upset. “I don’t care. L can come live with me. He will get over it. I would rather have a foreclosure on my credit than let you have anything.” This is coming from the man who stole my engagement ring to pawn as well as many other things around the house AND his children’s expensive big toys after we had separated. He doesn’t care about L’s emotional state at all. He is constantly manipulating him and trying to strong arm me into doing stuff he wants.
I guess what it really boils down to is all this uncertainty is scary. And I left my marriage because he was abusive to me. Sometimes it was physically, but emotionally constantly. I felt scared, inadequate, bullied, and like nothing. I couldn’t get away from constantly being a failure and disappointment while in our marriage. If I cleaned the house, he would come home and say, “Why are there spoons in the sink?” It was always something. I was so empty and sad and scared to raise L in a home where there was screaming and punching holes in walls. I was scared to have him see what our relationship was like and think that was normal as he grew older. I finally got out. Not in the most ideal way, but I did. And what bothers me now, is that after the divorce I thought all this would be over. The physical hurt is. But the manipulation and emotional abuse and bullying has just escalated. I know I have support, but it is so easy still for me to slip back in that role. And even if I play it cool when he is acting hateful, afterwards I crumble. Boundaries are too unhealthy when it comes to him. I just have to keep trying. Acting calm and cool and collected and like this shiz could never bother me. I have to do what you would do with any toxic relationship and limit interaction and respond or engage only if it is about L. He doesn’t have power over me anymore. I can’t control how he acts or what he does. I know this. But I can control the reactions and interactions coming from me. It is what I’m going with. Strength, light, self control, and one thing at a time. I should probably make that a t-shirt. I have a feeling I might need reminders.